Raising Teens

A site for parents of teens striving for sanity

Tag: sex

Lose your virginity to a friend or boyfriend?

Recently my daughter Olivia and I had a conversation about sex and she happened to mention to me  that “it is better to lose your virginity to a friend than someone you care about and get your heart-broken.” She went on to tell me, “I know girls who lost their virginity to someone they care about or their boyfriend and they ended up getting their heart crushed. It’s not worth it. If you lose it to a friend you won’t get hurt.”  WHAT????

How do I even comprehend or answer that? I was speechless. I could NOT relate to that. I told her that it seemed very impersonal and cold when you are giving the most valuable thing you have to someone.

She responded: “Mom, are you kidding? This isn’t when you went to school and you had to be in love. No girl wants to do that and get hurt.” I told her,  “It seems like you are just having sex and not being intimate. I hope you are not just having sex all the time with friends.

She explained that teens are being cautious with their feelings and their body and they would rather give themselves to someone who won’t use or hurt them. I guess I have to respect the fact that they care enough about themselves not to just give  the sex away like a hug.

I am old-fashioned I know.  I told Olivia no matter what, never sacrifice your morals or the one thing she controls .. her self-respect!

This is  such a touchy subject to many parents, and you may choose not talk about it with your teen. But know that they are doing it, so being in denial does you no good.  Knowledge is power. I need my daughter to be able to talk to me about anything so she won’t turn to someone else when she needs someone to talk to about things.

I didn’t like talking about this subject with my daughter. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but  at least I now know how she thinks about sex and that she does care about her self respect — even if it’s not in the fashion my generation would have done it.

So parents, I am interested in your thoughts on this. I am curious if your teen has shared the same views.  Have you talked with your teen about his or her thoughts on first time sexual experiences?


How do you know if your teen is having sex?

I have often wondered with the way teenage girls are now a days- trying to be cool, trying to impress the boys, trying to be popular and older than they really are. They are  dressing provocatively and of course they think they know  more than anybody else. Then, there’s the issue of what age they having sex.

I know girls in my generation, Generation X , were having sex much later. But, I get a feeling  this Generation Y girls are having sex in middle school? I say that because my daughter told me that girls she knew were having sex in middle school. I was shocked and yet not surprised. I was also saddened by the fact that these young girls have allowed their virginity to be given to a boy like it was nothing. There are no filters any more whether it is TV, the internet, magazines etc. It’s as if sex is expected at a young age. What has happened to Generation Y? Sex in middle school really?

I know my Generation, Generation X, wasnt so casual with sex or taking pictures or videos and posting them as teens today are because we didn’t have all this technology. By why do we allow technology  to dictate morals and self-respect?

Does Generation X realize what their children in Generation Y are doing? Is it just easier to look the other way and chalk it up to being a teen? When do we step in and say ENOUGH? When do we take back technology’s way of taking away our privacy, our morals and self-respect and start raising our kids and teaching values?

I know its easy to blame technology but on the other hand, being a parent is also A LOT HARDER today than our parents had it. I know my mother says she could never raise a teenager now — too hard, she says. She sees how I struggle with my teen daughter. But,  I have to come to terms that I have to accept how Generation Y and soon  Generation Z  teen culture has become when it comes to sex.

I may not like it or approve but, by God, I will be involved in my children’s lives every step of the way. If that means having to get birth control pills or condoms, so be it. I may not condone it but I also am not stupid and have to realize safety first. Teens will go behind your back, so why not make sure they are prepared? Sticking your head in the sand and pretending it’s not happening doesn’t mean it isn’t. It SUCKS being a parent of a teen at times! It’s hard, frustrating and mentally draining but I know the reward at the end will be worth all the struggle.

So, how do we know if our teen is having sex? We don’t unless we get involved in his or her life. Again, I am appalled at the fact that teens are having sex in middle school, but I do know the only thing I can do is talk to my  daughter and soon-to-be teen son and educate them. I can try to help them understand that sex in middle school is just too young and not appropriate.

Will they listen? Maybe, Maybe not but,the key is to build that relationship with them and to be involved in their lives.


Teens exchange Facebook passwords to show love

Apparently, the new equivalent to teen sex or showing love is sharing your Facebook password.

Why are teens sooooo trusting of each other?

The New York Times reported today that teenagers are sharing passwords for Facebook, Tumblr and/or other accounts in order to show their trust and affection for each other and to assure their boyfriend/girlfriend they have nothing to hide.

NYT reported Tiffany Carandang, a high school senior in San Francisco saying that sharing her password with her boyfriend is “a sign of trust.”  But it can backfire! Emily Cole, 16, a high school junior in Glastonbury, Conn., was a victim of vicious exploitation after her ex-boyfriend read an e-mail she sent to another student she had a crush on. He then spread the e-mail around the school, calling her a “pervert.”

Rosalind Wiseman, an author who studies how teenagers use technology, compares sharing passwords to sex – the pressure in teenage relationships to give up something important ultimately defines how much they love each other. “The response is the same: if we’re in a relationship, you have to give me anything,” Ms. Wiseman said to NYT.

Pew Research Center’s Internet & American Life Project conducted a study back in Nov. 2011 that showed one in three teens online have shared their passwords with significant others or friends. That’s 30 percent of all teens with girls being more likely to share their information than boys.

We all know how quickly a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a friend can become a frenemy during the teen years…and how breakups can be ugly, especially when they play out on the Internet. I know my daughter has a few of her friends’ Facebook passwords and I can never understand WHY they give them to each other.

Bottom line: as a parent, you might want to caution your teen —  encourage him or her to make sure showing teen love (or friendship) by sharing a password is worth the price of sharing your privacy.

Readers, what do you think of this new precursor to teen sex? Is it just an innocent way for teens to show love? Do you think it can lead to disaster?

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