Why does your teen sneak out of the house?

As a teen growing up in the 80’s, I had a curfew like most teens did. I never thought of breaking that curfew or disobeying my parents. It just wasn’t done. It’s called respect.

I recall the many times Olivia as a teen would sneak out of the house through her bedroom window unbeknownst to her father and I.  At first I didn’t know because as a parent you assumed your childsneaking out is sound asleep. It wasn’t until I saw her screen popped out of her window that I questioned her about it.  She said  “the wind probably did it.”   Hmm.. the wind isn’t that strong but we want to believe and trust our kids. In addition, I have an alarm in the house so there is no way she could get out of her window without the alarm going off. Even if she disarmed the alarm, I would hear her doing it. Well, one day as I was cleaning her room, I noticed the sensor for the window alarm was off. I knew right then and there Olivia was sneaking out. So the question was how do I confront her?

I showed Olivia the window and the sensor that was removed.  Crazy enough, she said “Oh, it broke and fell off.”  Okay, I’ll bite, and I went along with her response knowing she was lying. I said I would glue the sensor and if it was off again, I would know it was because she removed it. Every day I would check it until, you guessed it, one day it was off again. I confronted Olivia and told her to stop lying. I told her I know  she is sneaking out and just be honest about it.

Well, she decided to be honest. All her friends had later curfews and were still out while she had to be home because her curfew was earlier.  Olivia was a freshman and her fiends were juniors and seniors, so of course their curfew was later!!  I I told Olivia lying to me and her dad was no way to gain trust or get a curfew changed. Just the opposite,  we would take away time.  Mind you, Olivia had a decent curfew time for a 15 year old. I think midnight for a 9th grader is  more than generous but to a teen, it’s never late enough.

There were times Olivia got creative. She would put pillows in her bed to make it look like she was sleeping, or she would take the screen and hide it under her bed.  We changed her door handles to ones without locks so she couldn’t lock herself in her room. We eventually locked her window so she couldn’t sneak out, but even then she found a way to unlock it. Our last resort was putting the hurricane shutters up on her window. Now, she couldn’t sneak out. It was sad we had to do this, but unfortunately her actions caused these extreme consequences. Olivia was grounded and had to earn the trust back and it was a tough,  long road gaining that back. We spoke to her about the rules of the house and having respect enough to obey them. But rules to a teen are just something they want to break, not adhere to.

Olivia is now 18 and when I remind her of when she use to sneak out,  she acts as if it was 10 years ago when she was a kid so it doesn’t matter. I quickly correct her and tell her it was only three years ago.  The point I make is that while mentally to her it feels like long ago because she has grown up physically, it wasn’t that long ago. To me, it seems like yesterday. I don’t miss that at all.

I asked some ofsneakingout my friends if they ever snuck out ,and by gosh, some did! I guess I was the only one with a guilty conscience and enough respect for my parents wishes not to do it.

I have to ask this to all the parents and teens out there… Has your teen ever snuck out and if so, why?  Rebellion? Friends? Parties? Boyfriend? Girlfriend?  Or, just because they could? It baffles me how teens could have little to no respect for their parents wishes.  Is it just a teen stage that many of them go through?

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9 Comments

  1. M Woodly March 9, 2016 at 7:47 pm

    Oh yes, my teen snuck out at 15, and had a long road to regain trust. As a freshman, she also had junior friends from theater who could all stay out later than her. She is about to turn 18 and is in a different place.
    Interestingly, I also snuck out when I was a teen, but haven’t confessed this to my daughter yet. I snuck out to see my boyfriend. I didn’t feel at the time that I was disrespecting my dad and step-mom, but my husband and I sure felt disrespected when it happened to us!

    Reply
    1. mominthesprings March 10, 2016 at 3:11 pm

      Amazing how we see things different once WE are the adults! Stinks huh? Happy your 18 year old is in a different place as is mine.

      Reply
  2. Mom.in.training March 10, 2016 at 10:50 am

    We Recently found out our 15 year old daughter snuck out to spend the night with her boyfriend. She also had him sneak in(once, twice?) while my husband and I were gone on a getaway and my mother was staying with the kids. When we confronted her, she lied straight to our face until I looked straight back at her and said, “why do you think we’re asking?” She then tried to “wiggle” out of the lie but the jig was up. We told her we weren’t angry as much as hurt, disappointed and frankly, shocked that she could do this and break such an important bond of trust. It’s a long way back to earn it again. We’re working on it. The mother of the teen boy involved and my husband and I sat down all together and went over events with them. Both swear “nothing happened” -and this I do believe as I can see certain “tells” when she’s lying (I read your blog on teens spending the nights together). We also had them go to the friends and their parents homes that they involved in their concoction and apologize. My daughter looked awful and remorseful when she had to see the effect it had on others other than her parents.
    We’re still on the mend. There are good days and days I ever want to go through again. Thank goodness for this blog!

    Reply
    1. mominthesprings March 10, 2016 at 3:10 pm

      So glad to hear what you are doing momintraining! Sounds like you have a great plan and its always a work in progress! So happy you like our blog! Keep following. More to come!!

      Reply
  3. mum.in.despair March 29, 2016 at 10:12 pm

    My 16 year old son disappears out of our house at night on a regular basis, and because there are numerous doors and windows he can get out and in, it is impossible to stop him. To make it worse, he insists that he has every right to go out in the middle of the night if he wants to, that he does it because he can’t sleep and gets anxious, and that I should just calm down and go to sleep (?!) It is usually on the weekend, but also sometimes during the week, and he then doesn’t go to school the next day.
    I have always had rules, boundaries, consequences, family dinners at the table every night, quality time with each child, etc. etc. But this son has got to the stage where he’s realised that if he chooses to do something, we have no way of stopping him. Because of his behaviour he gets no money from us, no internet at night, no lifts anywhere, and we’ve tried removing all his favourite things, but to no avail. If I wake up in the middle of the night and find him gone, I go around and lock up the house, but he just sleeps on the deck when he gets back until morning.
    I am supposed to be looking for a job but am so stressed that I can’t focus on getting into a new role since being made redundant 5 months ago. So yes, there is stress in the house, but in large part due to my son’s behaviour.
    I’m interested what other parents would do in these circumstances. The advice I’ve had – police youth aide and social worker said throw him out permanently, family therapist said ignore it and focus on what he’s doing right.
    Incidentally, my older son, now at university and doing well, went through a brief of sneaking out at about 13. When a stern warning and then removal of his beloved technology didn’t work, we emptied his room of everything except his bedding, guitar, and school bag, and he had to come and ask us when he needed clean clothes to wear. I think the idea was that he’d have to walk the streets in his boxers should he choose to sneak out. Yes it was draconian, but he got the message very quickly not to do it again. I asked him recently what he thought we should do about his younger brother sneaking out all the time and he said ‘it’s just a phase, I got over it, he will too when he works out he needs to sleep’.

    Reply
    1. Kelvin March 31, 2016 at 1:28 pm

      This is so hard on so many levels. I hope you get a lot of feedback with some constructive ideas. I think both ideas you were given have merit. Is he capable of having a discussion with you or is he consistently on the defense? If he’s able to sit and have a calm conversation with you (and I tell my kids by “conversation” it means both parties actively and calmly contributing) maybe you could ask why he feels this need to break out… Yes, the “sleeplessness/restlessness”… Is it due to anxiety? If he agrees then what does he feel is making him anxious? You can acknowledge the stress you’re under trying to find a job to provide for your family and is he taking that personally? If he is, then maybe instead of leaving the house -which just increases stress for everyone, he can come talk to you about it instead. You can just listen to him if that’s what he needs. Leaving the house at night is dangerous even if he feels it’s safe. If he insists its his prerogative to continue despite your misgivings and/or house rules, then calmly suggest to him that if he wants more adult “freedoms” then it will come with adult responsibilities. Tell him what his room and board cost will be. Share the utilities bills with him. Some kids are mature before their years and seem to flourish with the workload. Others realize it’s much better, safer and easier to stay a kid for a while longer. Again, I’m sorry hear this and I don’t know if my opinion was any help. It’s a tough, stressful and exhausting time. I hope you’re older son is right when he says he’ll grow out of it soon when he chooses sleep over stepping out. Until then, I hope he stays safe and you get some peace soon.

      Reply
      1. mum.in.despair April 14, 2016 at 8:31 pm

        Thanks Kelvin. I appreciate your thoughts. I have tried talking to my son about why he sneaks out, what’s making him anxious etc but have not made any progress. I agree trying to keep communication channels open is very important though, and I do my best to do that.
        However, time certainly never stands still particularly with a teen in the house. Since posting this, my 16 year old has been badly shaken by some accusations (all false as it turns out) of taking a car unlawfully, wreckless driving causing damage, having sex with a minor, and using class A drugs, all supposedly happening one night while he had sneaked out of the house. While the owner of the car resisted going to the police, I insisted that it was the right thing to do – which was lucky as it turned out it was the owner’s 15 year old daughter who took the car, drove it, picked up my son and 2 others, wrecked the car, and then made false statements to the police accusing my son of doing the driving and drug taking. Thankfully my son and others had texts and messages to show that she picked them up in the car and had done it a few times before… Incidentally, the sex allegation came from the father who found a condom in the car, and having been told by his daughter there was only the two of them in the car, he assumed they had sex. My son had texts to show the girl had brought the condom along to do a trick with it hanging out the window and fill up with air (why?) that they’d seen on you tube – which all just goes to show how easy people can jump to wrong conclusions and for a teen to unwittingly end up accused of serious crimes when thinking they are just ‘going for a hoon’.
        Anyway, since then he has been mostly at home at night, going to school each day, doing his jobs around the house…fingers crossed he has learned an important lesson but just for today, I am enjoying a bit of peace.

        Reply
  4. Ashton Larusso May 14, 2018 at 6:33 am

    I feel like more young people need to add to this conversation or at least adults that used to sneak out like this. To people who have forgotten what it’s like to be young or people who never even dreamed of breaking rules as a teen it is hard to understand.

    Reply
  5. Angel August 10, 2018 at 8:29 am

    i’ve snuck out of my house before, and i’m 14, a year younger than what ur daughter was when she did it. to me its not to be rebellious against my parents, its just the exhilarating feeling of having freedom and going places without your parents always going with you because they think ur too young. plus ur daughter had it easier then what i have, she had a window that could open so she could climb out, i don’t have that, i have the front door and believe me its alot harder to get out the front door than a damn window. but for me its the feeling of freedom and being able to breathe without my parents around me 24/7. although everyone has their different reasons to sneaking out that’s my reason for doing so.

    Reply

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